In The Ruination of Reminiscence —2017

there, touched on the glass we slice open our hearts, not with the callous like finger tips but with the delicacy of the skin hidden, v-ed between our heart beats

how many glancing blows can we hold inside our eyes’ memories?

you’re just a syphon giving away kisses through a sieve & holding angel wings in the corners of your smile, what luxury this is, to touch such sweet heavenly murmurings with the tongue of your words — how hush this is

watching the light dance across the open cold sky, blackness that is deeper than all the blacks I’ve seen before, colour colder than I’ve felt inside my inner bones, yet, it is lovely

not lovely like the sun, or the blue sky, or the rushing sea, but lovely like a hurt can be —

snow settles exactly where the branch is thickest, where the wind can hold no more, something must be let go, something must be buried, something must be lost, something must glow, a hundred thousand sparkles cannot even begin to describe what rest on the edges of snow in the moonlight —ask me what I know of heaven on earth, tucked in those little places, silent & still

how lovely is the lonely of knowing beauty despite this blood bath of pain, hot & stoked & consuming, everything is burning

I could reminisce on this ruination, another x or more aptly, another stroke on the wall, counting off the torture that is, but what point is there anymore to this?

all I would hear is gunfire, & death, & hear the rhetoric & lies breathed with every breath —I’m a courtyard of murmurings of memories of what agony there is here, year after year

…and so, let me stop myself from recalling what is best left forgotten. Let me stop. Inside this silent night. Inside this darkness. Inside this sparkling cold. Beneath these lights. Where the snow has settled, just right. Where I watch Venus dancing, spinning in all her light —

how I hold this beauty, intense upon my throat just for its warmth, just to feel the sensation of life still zooming fast through my veins, love in all its strange horror lovely —

there is ruination beyond this place, here in this moment where I lay, clutching the future; letting go yesterday’s decay

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this clear sky of night blooms up over the frozen haze—memory encrusted in tomb-like silence

how often are the stars this clear, this bright, as if I could catch & melt one on my tongue

plume upon plume, feathered breath and an ache I’ve felt before

I turn my face back downward, I close the door…

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the moment, solid and beautiful as Niagra’s freezing—how still & raw & powerful—a wonderland beyond summer’s joyous yellow memory

the torture of what is white

how purity is an excruciating misery of beauty

Splicing Myself From Spirituality

taking the razor

dragging it down the edges of who I am

fine cutting me away from myself

sectioning a piece of my heart from itself

this tragic little space, unkempt heart & a shallow spine

they gasp at what an unholy thing I am

so my words stop themselves up—spewing bubbles of spirituality with a long slow hisssssss

fragile & determined, I splice away the desire that burns & burns right through my heart & ribs & bones

Thankful for No Wind

Beautiful day. Car started even tho it wasn’t plugged in. …and no wind! Thankfully.

Minuet In A minor

I could fall

Wide from the blue

This small heaven

This small view

I could fall

Through & through

Down to you to you

Like sections of the flowers

Dripping from the trees

Sunshine through the forest

Dripping from the leaves

I could fall

Wide from the blue

I could fall

Down to you to you

In Knitting News…

The lighting is garbage for this shot it kind of muddies the colours, but I’m getting closer to done this massive project. Hours upon hours upon hours. Insane how many hours this blanket has taken me. Uncountable Netflix & knitting time.

I actually found this yarn again in a fabric store the other day where they were charging $17 a skein! Insane. Thankfully I didn’t pay that but it proves that people pay that for this beautiful material. I’ve no hope of another project this winter. If this blanket is finished for Firecracker by spring, I’ll be content. I should be able to finish it by then. Lesson learned in gauge & project size. But, it will hopefully be cherished so it’s worth it.

Cold Day Cold Games The Cold Hearted Win

Sarah, aka Firecracker slays us all at Monopoly…that’s a change. Usually she slaughters at Monopoly Deal which I highly recommend.

When You Feel Like Going Out But…

The older I get the colder this feels.

Odd No Snow Spell

I am not a fan of the dark of winter. That is my biggest complaint besides forced air heating which seems to make everyone prone to every illness under the sun. They call it flu season but it seems when you leave the dry dark climate you are less likely to contract the flu to me.

So, tho the Oilers are being particularly painfully bad at hockey this season, this is part of the downtown as I picked up my hub from the game last night. So lovely. The city is attempting to start a winter light initiative where lights are not an “until New Years” thing but a winter long thing. It is too bright in the summer for patio lights to be well used here, so I’m sure we all want to have pretty lights up while it’s actually dark. Anyways. I’m not sure how that applies when you’re trying to avoid holiday traditions. Time will tell.

And, in other news, I cut about two feet of hair off. Maybe at some point I’ll take a selfie I like of the new shorter hair I wear, but for now I just don’t have one I like enough. But, I love the hair cut. Shortest my hair has been in nearly a decade. I haven’t dyed it in all that time either, but got talked into a hair gloss matched to my roots, meaning, it is now the colour it would be if it never saw the sun. I realize my hair bleaches quite significantly just from the sun. It is very dark brown. Weird. Anyways. It’s a welcomed change and I will try to take a picture I’m willing to post.

This year it is looking like we will be here for the full dark fury of winter, for the first time in a couple years. It is harder knowing there is no break from the darkness that I personally feel anyway, until April/May. That is how long it takes to recover from the lack of sunlight. It is so brutal. It is nearly 8am and pitch black outside. It is so exhausting. Sending kids to school in the dark is dreadful. The sunrise is just beginning as they leave. And it is pitch black by 5pm again with it feeling like dawn & dusk through the hours there is light. The sun is so low when it has risen it is blinding to drive most of the time. It feels painful because your body needs full light to survive, and it just doesn’t get it. We are in the heart of it now. Hibernation, beer, food & sleep, Netflix… that’s the whole of it. Tho, I’m not a big drinker I sometimes think it might help if I were. Until late spring, it is so hard to feel energetic. It is the hardest will power push to leave the house at all for me. Winter—it’s the dark that kills, not the cold, not the snow, this terrible thick darkness.