Curing Angst

what soul doesn’t scourge itself
with slow sips of angst & butchered sadness,
gripping life a little white knuckled
fretting moments open
like littlw torn wounds
sitting hunched
eyes slanted to a ‘v’—a
well deserved pain posture
as we live on & on

the morning robins bursting
forth—a million echoes of what sweet short time remains
& then that small slice of dawn as
they hum down to a hush
how lovely, how lovely
as all the world forgets for a moment
the impossibilities of humanity

School Shmool

So, after much planning & some crazy deal finding on my hubby’s part we are finally taking the littlest three boogers to Florida to visit family & due to some deals for Canadians, ‘the parks.’ All the best planning can’t change that we seem to be on track to get there just as the storms are whipping up but we did get five flights RETURN for $811! ALL TOGETHER! Not individually. That is insane. We did cash in all our points to make it happen, and take advantage of a wicked seat sale but seriously, we have never got that smokin’ of a deal. We couldn’t even fly to Calgary for that. Or anywhere within Canada for that matter. I don’t think we could take off & land right away again here for that price. 

This being said, I’m scared of both the storms & the humidity. I’m certain the warmest weather I’ve ever felt is south-western Ontario in the summer, which is humid, & can get into the thirties, but, that was when I was a kid. The Okanagam can get smokin’ hot but its dry heat, which I don’t know, they say is different & I don’t know if it’s good different or bad different. Right now the forecast is far from sunny, so who knows what my body’s reaction to real heat will do. I may melt & die an oozy disgusting death. Guess we will have to just make the most of it. Our kids that are going have never even been on a plane or out of the country so that’ll be super exciting. Whoohoo! I love surprises! Seriously, my favourite thing is surprising my kids. 

So I’m totally looking forward to making them cry. They’re going to totally cry with excitement. We’ve barely even told anyone we’re taking them for fear it gets wrecked. I just told the one secretary at the elementary school & have been hoping that because it’s the last few weeks, not much of importance is being covered. Junior High was different, & we had to let Ari know the plan, but Ari being the little student genius she is, has let her teachers know and literally completed all her Social (literally the whole unit she’ll be missing in one night) most of her Math & her science teacher seems to be stalling on putting the notes she needs online so, hopefully she’s not expecting that to be done & LA is grammar, which is a no brainer. Anyways. No one ever flunked in life because they went on vacation. School shmool. (Oops. The homeschool mom just emerged) Anyway. This is the biggest surprise we’ll have ever pulled off if it doesn’t get spoiled & I’m as excited about that as watching them when the plane takes off, that’ll be so cool for them. Then to take them around the parks & watch them go on real rides—it’s gonna be fun! Avoiding heatstroke is my main goal, and I think as mom, this is my biggest fear when it comes to taking a crew of kids somewhere like this. Thankfully they’re all getting so old & really, will fully enjoy the whole experience & seeing family who they’ve missed so much since them moving down there. Visit one of what I hope will be many for them. 

For me, it’s getting to be a comfortable place to go & be in, for my hub, even more, I think he’s been there twice as much as I in the past few years. We totally understand the snowbird thing being from the extreme dark of winter. But going from the long sunlight hours to a place more balanced but hot hot, that’s totally uncharted waters. 

Yay adventure! 

Journey into Old Dog Years

So, after a week of assessing the situation, changing Nysa’s food, I finally got her into the vet. 

The reality is, without the x-ray the best guess is an abssessed tooth, but it could be a tumor. But, the vet also assured me, with or without surgery & x-ray & all, she’ll be lucky to live another year. She is at her life expectancy time of 11-13 yrs, she is 12. 

So, we made the decision to make her as comfortable as possible until further notice. She’s on antibiotics & a short term anti-inflammatory in hopes it gives her a few more months, but if after two weeks on the antibiotics the infection remains it’ll be time to make the call. Next would come kidney, liver &/or heart damage so, it’ll be our call how long we’d want to keep her alive & since the pain would only increase, I’m guessing we’d just do the honorable thing & take her in before it gets too bad. 

What a strange process of accepting these creatures don’t live forever. But hearing the vet say that many just try this way at this point & then put them down before it gets too bad makes me feel better, tho I can’t say for sure this makes it easier. 

Deep Water

These warm wedges—from life’s hot turbulence
Super compressing the little bones
Until they’re eeking black & poison

To syphon it up & ooze
To explode & become the fire upon the water, unquenchable & hissing
Tongues licking out & breathing under the
Thick smoked sky

This is death’s door, wide & welcoming
A seat given to every venturing soul.
How we wish life were so welcoming, cool & smooth & luxuriant, & so so sweet, kissing us as in we come.

Realization & Agony

the warm echoes, they travel, spine to heart to mind
sense makes sense
& lips hold hope as sweetly as
they do kisses & embraces
of kindness & compassion

soft souls, sponging love
from off the floor, where sadness
could have blossomed
joy bursts forth

it is the last razored edge
that all birthing women know—that
last breath, barely keeping control as the pain waves harshest
the dread feeling of coming death
before the realization of life

Concierto de Aranjuez: II. Adagio

Trust me, take the 12 minutes to listen & watch it preferably. 

There are several pieces of classical that I have loved since rather early childhood, this is one of them. To me, all people should have the opportunity to fall in love with classical. Not every piece will strike you powerfully, but when they do, you are changed. 

To soothe & break all at once, this is my pick for today. 

Drugs Are Drugs Are Drugs

This is the only version of Black Hole Sun I’ve heard live. This was stuck in my head on replay ALL day yesterday, this version, tho I did not listen to it until today. 

It seems a common thread in the tales of artists & suicide that they were on something that made them go crazy that caused them to commit suicide. 

Personally, I have yet to hear or personally see a positive course of mental medications from start to finish. Literally everyone I know who’s decided to take medication for anxiety & depression have gone through a terrible time, most even either becoming suicidal or attempting suicide. Some have the sense to commit themselves before it got that bad, but all in all, messing with the body chemistry has not gone well, without major issues for anyone I know. 

That being said, I don’t doubt that some people need medication to function, frankly, I think writing, music, video games, alcohol, exercise…can all be used as ways of coping from what I’ve seen. But generally some coping techniques are safer. 

People who take anxiety medications & antidepressants, in my opinion, need a very extensive personal network of individuals who are deeply in tune with what’s going on & should be under close supervision. Especially if they are prone to addictions & unpredictable. 

Now that it has come out that Chris Cornell was on Ativan, it all makes me less angry, and I had assumed something would be behind such a shocking turn. I have little doubt that prescription medication will be found as playing a suspected roll in his death. 

May anyone who feels the need to be on these medications stick close to their loved ones & speak up if they are having suicidal thoughts. It’s heart breaking that after seeking help for anxiety, these people become so susceptible to suicidal tendencies.