Float

I’m going to be honest, tomorrow is going to be my favouritest day of this year so far—I had two kids off school last spring figuring out some health issues and as of now, are good to go! …and my baby starts kindergarten on Tuesday, so ya, on Tuesday that’ll top tomorrow. All five kids will be officially in school and outta my mom hair. Oh I’ve loved these moments. But oh they’re beastly and difficult. 

Eighteen years of being home with preschoolers. It’s true. At no point, other than that two and a half weeks between kid 2 & 3, when Firecracker started half day kindergarten before River child was born, I’ve never had any time whatsoever to myself. At all. In eighteen years. 

I’m giddy and horrified at this next stage to my life. Both. Equally. 

Kawaii starts back to upgrade and take Mandarin. Firecracker is in twelve. River starts Junior High and the Spitfire & X-man in elementary! Yippee! 

Kawaii & Firecracker have awesome jobs too. So they will be busy between school and work and their first official experience with paying some bills, adult life is coming for them, and most days I can’t quite believe that. But especially for Kawaii, even tho she has that diploma officially in her hand, I want her to grow into this next phase. She’s been warned. After this year, she will be expected to actually pay rent. That’s tough  but so necessary. 

In my mother mind, now with part time school and part time work, she has this extra year to mature and sort out a little more in life. To maybe form a direction. She LOVES her job and the next year will probably give her the chance to decide if that’s where she’s going to stay for a while or if she’s going to pursue teaching English in a foreign country (as she is leaning towards now). 

Firecracker is grappling with how to fit Physics into her packed school schedule and is looking at a tech job in sonography or radiology. Both are competitive programs but quick education time, great pay and recession proof. But, she needs physics. Thankfully Alberta has some great secondary options. In fact, you get free secondary until age twenty. So, she’s taking everything she can for free—web design, programming, photography and her core including her bio & physics. She had so much she loves. 

I love getting to see these kids grow up. 

As for me, sometimes, I don’t even know who I am anymore. At all. I’ve spent the longest part of my life just being a mom to young kids.  I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but there’s a certain amount of trepidation involved in finding yourself in your forties and left to yourself for the first time in nearly twenty years. I knew who I was. I know who I was. But I’m not really her anymore. I’m less certain it even matters, ‘who I am.’ I’ve had so little time over the years to be anything but a mom, I worry I will bore myself. I want to spend the time this fall pushing ‘the reset button’ on my house and all those unorganized and neglected corners. That and having a family whether they’re here or not, will keep me beyond busy. But I kind of feel like I need to not forget to also, reset my mental mode. To spend time doing not just things I have to do but things I want to do. Sometimes I’m not sure what I want to do. I do a lot of various things with my time, but they are to relieve stress mostly, to settle and cope a little more quietly. Or to escape the craziness. 

This autumn, I’ll finally have a built in escape. A couple hours five days a week without any of the kids here. And I’m sure that’s not actually that much time with a to-do list every day of my life that seems endless, but, I’m hoping to just finally discover what it feels like, to breath without someone sitting on my chest. That is the way most moms of young kids feel. Like there’s always a pressure, always a weight, one we loved and placed there, time and again, but one that has for me, been there so long, the pressure has left me quite uncertain how to breath without it. 

I know life. Just as a thing like this changes, it’s like a boat leaving the water—the water closes seamlessly into the space the boat once occupied. The time will fill with all of what was neglected. I must learn now, to float. We are always getting thrown in the deep end. Over and over no matter how old we get. 

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2 thoughts on “Float

  1. Awww…I think that’s beautiful. I can’t wait to see what you do with more time discovering yourself… Never too old or too late for blossoming. 😉
    I miss reading your words on Tumblr…btw. I understand why you left though.
    BIG HUGS & LOVE ❤

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    1. Thanks Chris. I have to confess, I’m barely into writing these days. I’ve been sick for two months straight. Just got over bronchitis and my kids so kindly brought home a nasty cold. I literally have been downing minced garlic at bed time every night to kick it out. Which seems, today, to finally be making a dent in it.
      So most of my time on ‘my own’ hasn’t been too productive, unless you count snot. 🙂
      …and, my oldest stomached fourth year for exactly one week, phoned me in a crisis and confessed, she couldn’t stand the maturity level of the students & decided to ditch her free fourth year plan and skip straight to adult life. So, she’s kicking around most days, she works evenings & weekends and is hoping to take Mandarin elsewhere after she’s figured out her best options. What she really wants is Korean, but that’s not as easy to find, which is surprising based on how many Koreans live in our city. But, given a little time I’m sure she’ll figure it out.
      Thanks for missing me. I’ve missed several writers from tumblr, but honestly, I just couldn’t enjoy it anymore. And every time I logged in to see what’s new, it just has no appeal what so ever.
      I hope you’re well. And thank you for your visit here. Who knows, one day I may actually feel inspired to write a ton again. But, for now, that quote—you know the one—best I not plague the world with the uninspired words that could be forced, and wait for my words to come back, unabashed.

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