“…I trace lines on my winter thighs…”
“…I trace lines on my winter thighs…”
😫🤮I’m so sick of winter.
Save please, these soft souvenirs, of snow & feather
and the russet wind chiming against the ache-old trees
sage blooms of buds clustered on the beams of winter-worn bows
I’ve felt the wine of the grapes, gurgle forth, sweetly running like the stream
I’ve dreamt the desolation of the sound, wrapped about my chest, swaddling me in cold & crying, gasping like mourner’s breath
Gladly, you always sing, so gladly, despite all these griefs, against reason—it’s like treason against humanity
I feel again, that rising chill, and winter sits soft with me…
snowy drizzle scalping me, finding every last warmth in me, ice picking, chiseling, slowly, skillfully destroying me
All this enormity, whispering in each helpless flake.
First of all, I have a husband that loves thrifting & auctions. So I’m blaming him. If it weren’t for him finding strange things for very reasonable prices, I don’t believe I’d suffer this mild split.
Some years ago, we decided we liked the mid century modern look, teak preferred. Right around the time we figured this out, apparently so do the rest of society. So we had found for super cheap a dining room cabinet & then splurged on a dining table and chairs to match. For the last couple years we’ve lived with these pieces despite some complaining by our kids, who seem to be of more classic taste.
So despite the difficulty in recovering these myself, therefore two were still awaiting new upholstery, this was the general look of the dining room. The only issue I had, is after six plus months of indoor living with a side of mid life perimenopausal craziness, I definitely feel the need to purge my house and clean and declutter. My husband found a French Provincial set at auction for, $150. Seven chairs, hutch, table. So, after this stuff being kidded up with some marker, the chairs not being completed, and the cabinet being a stuff magnet for the pack rats of my life, I agreed to sell this stuff and replace it with the French Provincial.
In all honesty, I prefer mid century when the WHOLE home is done in it. But we are ‘eclectic’ & most of what we have is more classic than this. It would go more with FP, especially once I redo it to go with the colours better.
So, crazy as this is, we had never researched our mid century furniture names, it turns out Dyrlund tables & chairs are massive collectors pieces. And so are Clausen & Son bowtie cabinets. So, we are replacing our mid century that is worth quite a lot, with our less desirable FP which was picked up so cheap.
Our kids are thrilled. For the most part they hated the teak. Myself, it did clash with the floor tones and after six months indoors it was really grating on my nerves. That’s what indoor mid life does to a mind. Everything that doesn’t ‘work’ will drive a woman insane.
So this is the new old set that my kids are horrified to hear I want to lighten up by painting it. But I suspect one summer day I will.
On a plus side I inherited what is left of my great grandmothers China set from the forties. And it looks cute to be in a cabinet again. First time since she owned it.
So I feel super granny-ish now. I knit. I have a China cabinet. I’m not sure I’m embracing this since I prefer pottery & succulents & fibre art & quirky things in general. So I think painting the China cabinet will make me feel less polished & ancient despite my kids protests.
So maybe it isn’t a split personality as much as accepting that my house will never be exactly what I like & want. But who in the real realm has what they want. We usually are happy for just a home & hot water & everything else is just gravy. Seriously. I am thankful for the fact I have a bed & heat & a roof & a warm shower everyday.
I miss poetry writing these days. But frankly, I feel zero inspiration. Nothing. I’m at a solid stand still & it seems the well has run dry. It had only been a trickle for a long while anyways. I miss it. But it’s a husk of words without the inspiration so most days the grubby part of me that writes has just quieted & I’m all right with that too.
…but not as loudly as others since I am going to somewhere sunnier and above zero in a week.
They say, we’ve now officially broken the record for days in a row with some amount of the day below zero. Climate change is a true thing, and it’s so contrary to my frail human mind. We haven’t had much sun either despite our lengthening days. Massive light deprivation.
Today it’s grey & snowy. Again. 😖 and the forecast doesn’t offer much relief. How exhausting.
…because it feels like -18 & the wind is just howling today.
I. Am. So. Sick. Of. Winter.
It’s not as bad as it looks but against my own advice & judgement, I washed the inside of the glass (which obviously was cracked, tho I hadn’t noticed) with my hand instead of a brush. One side got a couple stitches, the other just a long gash. It stings a little but I think I’ll survive. On the cool side, I got to watch, and didn’t faint. So yeah. Normally I do dr visits for kids. This was a change. Pretty eh.
Anyways. This means I’m off dish duty for a few days. Folding laundry isn’t so easy either. Or working out. Or knitting, tho I am an English style right handed, left handed taught knitter, lol, in other words, I knit with over exaggeration using my right hand mostly. So maybe I can finish up my sweater. Tho I’m going to keep away from most stuff for a couple days and let this get a good jump on healing since it’s right on my pinky joint. The skin tore twice when they were putting them in, so I really don’t want them tearing out over the first few days accidentally. It could happen easily enough.
So, 12 weeks ago today I started going to the gym; it all started with Barre class. I haven’t missed a week of Barre yet. But, beyond that, I also started weight lifting on Thursdays and now, go to the gym gym, like the part where people lift weights, use all sorts of strange contraptions & I, am one of them. I find this one of the strangest changes I’ve ever made. I have only a vague idea of where my weight was when I began this, and no current idea of how much I weigh & so certainly cannot tell you if or what I’ve lost. But my aim was never weight related. It was aging and pain related. Slowly it has become personal challenge related, where I think, I’m scared of this new thing, hm, maybe I can do it if I just try. But mostly, it still is just about basic health & the goal of having strong enough knees that I can hike real mountains & such. My left kneecap seems to still be having trouble tracking properly most days, my right hip still likes to click in & out depending on what I’m doing. I’ve started finding a happy routine despite these issues and hope that as things continue to strengthen these two issues will ease a fair bit and I’m actually really thankful I found the gym since winter really doesn’t seem to feel it is done with us. I miss the lake walks, but I also have no desire to be out in the cold anymore. I’m sick to death of winter. We all are. The general malaise of our entire city is palpable. Everyone is just barely hanging in there. Seriously. All anyone talks about is the exhaustion with this never ending winter. First snowfall last fall was September 19. That is over six months ago. We are going on seven months of winter. Seven months without green, or grass or flowers. Seven months of primarily indoor air and existence. It’s terrible. How can you feel grounded when your feet literally never touch the ground?
I notice my skin tone, and most everyone’s, is a slight grey. If ethnically we are white, we are beyond white verging onto corpsy paste white. I go work out and my face becomes bright red, that’s the kind of flush I have when I’m hot, and then, it fades back down to this most tired shade of exhausted white. I have started to pick the guitar up again, and I’m almost done my sweater for California, because, it is chilly there in April usually, I have knit several pairs of mittens, two hats, a shawl, finished a blanket, and have another shawl about half way complete. I am dying to spring clean, wash entrance ways, windows, doors, walls, open windows…it seems simple, but just to put away the coats and boots and winter paraphernalia would be so nice. To sit on the deck and sip coffee and listen to the birds, oh what heaven that would be. People who live other places don’t even realize—I seriously set the elliptical on the lake run setting, and love the virtual run through tree shadows & imagine myself there. My imagination may literally be keeping me from caving inward into a terrible giant black hole right now.
Anyways, twelve weeks and am I ever thankful I decided I needed to challenge myself and become healthier. I’m sure I’d be full blown insane by now. Instead I’m only semi insane. 🤪
My highlight of this week, a rare double date night, and I’m so looking forward to it. Going to go see A Quiet Place because nothing eases malaise like a horror movie. It looks scary without being supernatural or slasher, a rare find. The synopsis compares it to Alien & Jurassic Park for tension, two of my favourites ever, and is supposed to be one of the best horror flicks in a long while, so I’m so excited to go and get a good scare. Good scares are rare. It better be good. I hate predictable movies. Hate them. Watched The Visit for the first time the other day, as most M. Night Shyamalan movies I’ve seen are quirky scary unpredicatable but, I called it. And frankly, it threw in creepy just for creepy sake, which is not genuine. Anyways, didn’t really care for it. I love when tension is written in properly and not just lazily. So, I’m sure I’ll have an opinion of this movie and maybe I’ll have discovered a new director worth watching.
Anyways, off to the excitement of fourth winter…
It feels endless. Life I’m stuck on an endless sea of winter…no land in sight.
And then a flock of tiny birds breaks the light in a swift of shadows—so lovely. But still.